


Not Enough

by ZoeyAngel



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Unhappy Ending, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:16:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29692809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZoeyAngel/pseuds/ZoeyAngel
Summary: Jeongin loves Chan. It doesn't work out.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	Not Enough

I

When did it start?

Back in the beginning, when the two of them first met, it was clear there was nothing there.

Chan was looking for a good team, talented trainees with the looks and personality to intrigue the people they hoped to turn into their fans, and Jeongin matched- he had those shiney braces on, making him stand out from the rest of the kids, cuter.

A blank page, and he can sing- Chan thought, since he was cute, he'd do well as a makanae. He's still young and can get more experience later, so it was easy to decide on him as a part of his new group.

They hadn't known each other very well back at the time.

That doesn't mean that Chan is to blame, exactly. Jeongin wanted to debut, he really did- he worked hard, tried his best and got acknowledged for his skill and overall charm. It felt so nice, to be the one Chan pulled from the group of kids his age, but since it ended up this way maybe that was a huge mistake.  
Now here he was, next to the toilet.

Felix was a new addition. He joined in pretty late, immediately adopted by all members of 3racha- Jisung as his twin, Chan who saw himself in him, and Changbin who Felix always stood by through the others' teasing.

Felix is a sunshine personification after all, everybody loved him from he moment they first met him.

There was no way to prevent this.

Chan did his best, always. He tutored his members, played with them and listened to their worries. He was a little hard on Jeongin, same with Felix since they needed extra help. It was just rough love, anyway, tutoring them and never smothering, expectations through the roof.  
It felt good.

That one time, he remembered. He was practicing his singing, Chan was sitting in to listen like a vocal couch despite the fact that his real vocal coach was already there. That part of the song he's practiced over and over, and it always seemed to come out lacking, but that time when he ran it by he looked over and saw Chan closing his eyes.

Maybe it was then.

"You did really well this time!" His voice was so cheerful, so proud like every small success for Jeongin was an achievement for him as well.

Jeongin beamed at him, feeling over cloud nine at the high praise. That meant he was getting better, right? Chan was proud of him, he's not a baby anymore.

Well.

"Jeongin-ah, what would you like to do with your hair for the next comeback?" the stylist asked.

The answer should have been simple. he could choose a hair color, maybe say if he wanted it curly or wavy or straight, long or short, then the stylist would make it suit the maknae aesthetic.

Make it cute, they'd say.

"Noona, actually, I have something I want to ask," he mumbled, a feeling a little shy to ask for what he wanted.

"oh?"

"I'm nineteen now, can you style it to look more mature?"

The question made the stylist freeze, fingers stuttering on the edge of his chair, nervous. That wasn't a part of the plan, they both knew it- Jeongin was supposed to look cute all the time.

"Mature?"

Jeongin nodded once, half hiding behind his bangs. Yes, mature. How long was he supposed to play the cute makanae's part?

"Let me see what I can do. How about dying it red?" she proposed.

That was how he entered the film set, keeping his red hair throughout their Miroh area.  
He never saw that stylist again.

"Innie!! come here, let me give you some kisses!!" Changbin called, chasing Jeongin about. He hated those things and he knew it, but skz talker was right there, so he was expected to play along.

No way.

Decidedly, Jeongin wasn't going to let his hyungs pamper him for the camera. He wanted to be treated as an adult by fans too- so instead of pulling some aegyo out of nowhere, he let people laugh at how bluntly he rejected the affection.

He had to break free of this image somehow.  
He was relieved when Changbin finally gave up, walking away to coodle Felix instead. After dusting himself off he scanned the others with his gaze, only slightly startled when his eyes met Chan's.

The older hadn't said anything, just looked with an unreadable expression.

Since Jeongin got into the group, he always wanted to get closer with Chan. at first he thought it was admiration, which, it probably was, but slowly it turned into something much deeper. He wanted his approval, it became more important than his parents' approval ever was, and he wanted his attention all the time, but it was hard.

Then, there was Felix.

Felix too improved a lot since they debuted. His korean was much better than it used to be, and so was his pronunciation. He still struggled with some things, but Chan was always there to help him- they had this sort of unbreakable bond where they were always at each others side.  
For Jeongin, things were different.

Nowadays, Chan wouldn't come to his evaluations. He was always busy working, producing, practicing, it was okay. he knew it meant he trusted him, thought he could do well on his own. It was flattering, really, it didn't hurt at all, he wasn't lonely.

That was a lie.

Really, being treated like a baby was bad. He knew he had no chance getting Chan's attention when he thought of him as a kid, but the change made them drift apart even more. He got his braces removed, took his selfies with a tough expression, and Chan always stared, but when he did he had that same expression, like he was disappointed.

Those were the worst.

"It's like Felix is our Maknae" Jisung joked. Jeongin played that interview a thousand times already, and every time he heard it felt like a punch to his gut. 

"Felix is so cute"

Felix was great, Innie thought so too.

He couldn't help being jealous, though.

Felix had all the fun- he was basking in everyone's attention, his fans adored him calling him sunshine and an angel, he pulled of cute and sexy and pretty all effortlessly, he was good in english and games and dancing and everything Jeongin was insecure about, and of course, he had Chan's undivided attention.

"Felix is my soulmate."

That's when he started coughing up flowers.

It didn't hurt at first. all he could feel was annoyance at how itchy his throat felt, like the start of a really bad cold. The first flower petals marked the moment it finally sank in, and then what hurt the most wasn't the coughing but the realization that he was so hopelessly in love with Bang Chan and that he could never have his feelings returned, because Chan was Felix's from start to finish.

That's how he ended up here.

It was so pathetic, he could cry if he had anymore tears left in stock, they've run dry. All this time he was surrounded by hyungs who kept saying they'll be there for him, but when he needed it the most he couldn't even ask for help.

What could he say? "Help, I'm in love with Chan hyung, if he doesn't love me back I'm going to suffocate and die"? very funny. The other members knew he was bisexual, that wasn't the issue- he just couldn't say it out loud, who it was that got him so badly.

Maybe it was better this way.

Thinking of death brought more comfort every time he had to crane over the toilet, letting out all those fucking daisies Chan's put in him. For sure dying would mean he didn't have to feel this way. No more heartbreak, only merciful nothingness.

Of course, he wasn't able to die quietly like that.  
Hyunjin screamed, turning over to lock the door immediately after walking in on the sight. It was a strange thing to do, but his instincts told him he shouldn't let the members in to see it.  
"Hyunjin?!" Chan's voice sounded through the door, knocking relentlessly.

"I'm fine, there was a big bug," Hyunjin lied through his teeth, waiting for Chan to leave before sliding down with his back against the door. "Innie?" he whispered, still processing the sight of him.

Laying down against the toilet, fingers leaving red trails on the once white porcelain. Around him were so many daisies, bloodied and dyed red over white.

Tear tracks visible, mouth still dripping blood. White petals like feathers fallen over his chest.  
"who did this to you?"

Jeongin wanted to yell. He wanted to tell him to get out, get lost, mind his own business- he wanted to say he was fine, he'll clean it out, don't worry, but all that came out was,  
"help me, I can't, breathe"

Hyunjin's eyes widened, crawling over on the floor frantically in an attempt to sit Jeongin up for him to cough out the remaining flowers. he even reached into his mouth, not caring for anything other than pulling them out to save his friend's life. Jeongin coughed some more, feeling the petals clog his airways right back.  
"I don't want to die," he begged.

"You're not going to die, you're not, Innie, we're gonna find the person who did this to you, you're going to be okay" Hyunjin sobbed, standing up abruptly to unlock the door. "No, no, they keep coming back, I can't help like this-- Help! Someone call an ambulance!"

Felix soon stepped through he door, eyes widening in horror before pulling his phone out to hit the keys with shaky fingers. Hyunjin coached back down to Jeongin, crying and stroking his back. 

"You'll be okay, it's going to be okay, they'll be here soon"

When he came to, he was at the hospital.  
"We're his family!" an angry voice sounded from behind the door. "Can't we see him? he almost just died!" Chan's voice, he thought.

"This patient is going through a harsh recovery phase. Since we don't know the cause of this outbreak, it's best if he remains isolated from anyone who might make his situation worse."

"it's going to get worse if you leave him all alone! We need to see him," Chan argued, and for a moment Jeongin's heart flattered and he knew it was bad, knew it was making things worse again.

the next time he saw them he was on his death bed, the last outbreak had left him dying, ripping his stitches as he coughed and coughed, scratching his throat open once again.

There was no saving him this time.

"Innie," Hyunjin sobbed, standing by his bed with his face red from crying so much. "I didn't know it was so bad, I'm sorry, I-"

"It's not you, Hyunjinnie," Jeongin's words slurred through the pain.

He turned over to look at Felix, face all red and puffy too. "I should have called the ambulance faster, I should have, I'm so sorry-" 

"I'm not mad at you, Felix, it's okay."

He looked to Seungmin at his side, then finally Chan behind Felix. His eyes were reddened as well, although he wasn't crying now.

"Hyung..."

"Why didn't you tell us? I would have done anything to help if you told me someone put you in danger, it didn't have to be like this" Chan voiced out, noticing Felix's sobs once again.  
He reached out to comfort, his hand on his shoulder.

Innie coughed.

"How can you say that..?" He spoke between petals, a medical team rushing back to the room.

"How was I supposed to let you know, hyung, you're so happy right now, you can't change how you feel."

He saw Chan's eyes widen, and then he was gone.

everything was gone.

'did I die?' he wondered, looking deep into the void. 

'I'm cold', he thought again, waiting, hoping to wake up.

"Jeongin?"

opening his eyes again felt like a miracle. The lights were bright, too bright to process- Hyunjin was by his side, Seungmin and Changbin on the other end.

"What happened?"

"Oh god, he woke up!" Changbin called out, reaching immediately to hold his hand. "You had surgery, brother."

The news couldn't bring out the shock that they should have.

"Did Chan... accept it? my feelings." He mumbled, wondering how he wasn't by his side, if Jeongin was saved... how come he didn't die back then?

"He's been your donor, he's still out cold from the process. The spikes of the daisies pierced your heart, so he let them take a bit of tissue from his own to stitch you up- it has the same affect, a proof that he cares, like a love confession." 

Jeongin just stared, taking it all in. "Love? what about Felix? what about the others?"

Hyunjin spoke up then, finally getting past the shock. "We're disbanding, Innie, you guys can't stay the way you were. Your throat is filled with scars, your insides got ripped and you can't dance or sing again like you used to. Same goes for Chan, now that his heart is the way it is."

"Why?" Jeongin cried, feeling overwhelming grief. "He doesn't love me back, why didn't he just let me die? for this? I don't want us to disband"

Hyunjin looked to Seungmin, both considering their options.

"Innie, there are... all shapes of love, in this world. Chan hyung might not romantically feel like you do, but he does love you- enough to give his dreams to you, enough to give up his heart for you, then what else do you need?"  
Jeongin was feeling so hopeless at that.

"You guys will never understand."

So when he finally recovered, walking, talking normally, he still couldn't meet with Chan, and then one day, he disappeared.

The end.


End file.
